As with any form of abuse, recovering from emotional abuse is an extremely complex process within itself. This progression can be tremendously daunting and overwhelming for a victim to deal with, particularly due to the overtly negative, critical, and psychologically scarring thoughts that have been ingrained in the victim’s mind. Unlike flipping a switch when one wishes to light up a room, demanding that the mind abandon these hurtful perspectives, whether they revolve around the victim’s weight, intelligence, or overall success, and begin to project feelings of love and self-worth instead, will not happen instantly.
Because there is no quick fix when it comes to recovering from emotional abuse, one must take active steps in reversing the damage that has been done. Beverly Engel outlines comprehensive strategies for those overcoming emotional abuse in her book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.By following these strategies, former victims will be able to work toward attaining a life filled with well-deserved happiness and self-confidence.
Self Esteem: The Foundation for Everything
Engel declares: “there is absolutely nothing as important to our psychological well-being as our self-esteem. It affects virtually every aspect of our lives, including how we perceive ourselves and others, how others perceive us, our choices in life, our ability to give and receive love, and our ability and willingness to take action when things need to be changed” (1). Knowing this, victims of emotional abuse must make it a perpetual priority of theirs to reflect upon their positive attributes and recognize that they have so much to offer in life. Engel provides her readers with positive mental exercises that can be incorporated into everyday life.
Ways to Combat Self Criticism
- “Notice how often you are self-critical. When you are self-critical, you are essentially doing the same thing to yourself that your parents or other original abusers did to you—you are re-abusing yourself and damaging your self-esteem” (1).
- “Catch yourself whenever you engage in a critical, negative thought about yourself and stop it! Ask yourself, “Whose voice am I hearing?” (1).
- “Focus on your positive attributes instead of your faults. Self-criticism is damaging enough, but when coupled with a lack of self-praise, it can be devastating to your self esteem” (1).
Ways to Heighten Self-Esteem
- “Set reachable goals. Both survivors and abusers tend to set impossibly high standards for themselves…in order to feel successful, we need to set goals that are reachable. Set small goals instead of big ones” (1).
- “Stop comparing yourself with others. The problem with comparing yourself with others is that you will either end up feeling less than or better than others” (1).
- “Begin to nurture yourself…some grew up expecting their romantic partners to give them the nurturing they hungered for, only to be disappointed. But our partners are not our parents, no matter how much we try to make them into parents. No one can make up for the deprivation you experienced, and no one should be expected to” (1).
(1) Engel, Beverly. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship : How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. New York: Wiley, 2003.
Lindsay Barrs - I've been passionate about writing ever since I can remember, and to this day, I always say that I'm infinitely more articulate on paper ...
